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I feel like I'm pissing more people off than pleasing them or gaining their understanding by doing the things I'm doing. I'm sorry that I seem to be withdrawing, but Facebook and AIM are no longer safe places for me. I can't express myself on Facebook, because my mom and my sister occupy that space. I'm afraid that Mom will yell at me for being depressed, and I can't turn to my sister, because she's so self-involved that it makes it difficult to open up to her.
AIM isn't "unsafe" in the sense that Facebook is; it's more uncomfortable. Beate's on there, and maybe I'm being a coward (maybe all of what I'm doing is cowardly), but I'm not ready to face her. I don't really know how she feels about any of this. We've only communicated through a message or two, and I can't read her emotions when her style is unbiased and her tone neutral. The formality of it makes me think that she really is angry or annoyed with me, but that's because I know that when I feel those emotions, that's how I communicate.
Anyhow, I don't see any of this as withdraw. I may be retreating from certain online spaces, but I'm increasing my presence in others, because those places feel safe enough for me to express myself and work things out. I can try to figure out who I am. I can't do that if I feel nervous or pathetic all the time, or like I'm running in circles instead of going forward.
So, please, let me be selfish. Let me take my time. Don't make me feel bad for not feeling like I'm obliged to occupy a place where I don't feel comfortable. Also, I don't expect people to feel obliged to follow me to these new places. I understand that some places might be unsafe for other people, and I won't press anybody to visit those places. I'll eventually return to AIM and Facebook when I'm ready.
AIM isn't "unsafe" in the sense that Facebook is; it's more uncomfortable. Beate's on there, and maybe I'm being a coward (maybe all of what I'm doing is cowardly), but I'm not ready to face her. I don't really know how she feels about any of this. We've only communicated through a message or two, and I can't read her emotions when her style is unbiased and her tone neutral. The formality of it makes me think that she really is angry or annoyed with me, but that's because I know that when I feel those emotions, that's how I communicate.
Anyhow, I don't see any of this as withdraw. I may be retreating from certain online spaces, but I'm increasing my presence in others, because those places feel safe enough for me to express myself and work things out. I can try to figure out who I am. I can't do that if I feel nervous or pathetic all the time, or like I'm running in circles instead of going forward.
So, please, let me be selfish. Let me take my time. Don't make me feel bad for not feeling like I'm obliged to occupy a place where I don't feel comfortable. Also, I don't expect people to feel obliged to follow me to these new places. I understand that some places might be unsafe for other people, and I won't press anybody to visit those places. I'll eventually return to AIM and Facebook when I'm ready.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 12:28 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 12:36 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 02:43 am (UTC)From:I'm still your friend!
...>_>
Right?
no subject
Date: 2010-11-16 02:52 am (UTC)From: