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My life is out of control. I am depressed, I feel alone and hopeless, and I'm neglecting my own well-being. I hate myself a lot, because I'm not who I was when I was in college - outgoing, charismatic, boundlessly creative, social, full of potential. I feel that I'm stuck, and I'm taking things out on the people who matter, who notice, who want to help me - which are very few.
I have no social support. I have friends who I can call, but I feel isolated because the physical presence of another person - who I can talk to in all sincerity and honesty, who I can open up to completely, who I can laugh with or on whose shoulder I can cry - is nonexistent. I feel that when I call people up who I want to open up to (my sister, my best friend), I cannot talk to them, because they have problems that they want to talk about, and - while I hold my actions to the point of ridiculous perfectionism - I feel that my problems are insignificant in comparison. If I told that to them now, they would tell me that I am being silly, but this is how I really feel, and it's not silly; it's serious and very real.
Perfection: I can't accept my own imperfections.
Emotions: I can't control them or even manage them or even find an appropriate outlet for them. I don't even know where to begin doing any of that, but I'm reading up on how I can deal with my emotions and my depression.
I attacked a person who I still love deeply, because I'm emotionally out of control. I betrayed that person's trust, and I may not regain that, because it may hang between us. I want to make amends, and the only way I realize that I can start to do that is by changing, by overcoming my affliction, by regaining all the things that made me the person I wanted to be.
The Sumerians had a goddess named Inanna. She visited her sister, Erishkugal, who ruled the Underworld, but the price of her admittance was that she had to strip herself of all her trappings, all the things that gave her power, at each gate she passed through. Eventually, she was completely naked, judged, and turned into a corpse.
The rest of the myth is irrelevant right now, but that's how I feel. I was powerful, but my darker side, my depression, stripped me of all the things that made me powerful, as I continued down my path. Where I am now - underemployed, drifting aimlessly from day to day, feeling too inadequate to compete in the world - is my personal Underworld. While Inanna had faithful servants to bring her back to life, I don't have that; instead, I have myself - stripped over everything - I need to learn how to bring myself back, how to regain my power.
I have no social support. I have friends who I can call, but I feel isolated because the physical presence of another person - who I can talk to in all sincerity and honesty, who I can open up to completely, who I can laugh with or on whose shoulder I can cry - is nonexistent. I feel that when I call people up who I want to open up to (my sister, my best friend), I cannot talk to them, because they have problems that they want to talk about, and - while I hold my actions to the point of ridiculous perfectionism - I feel that my problems are insignificant in comparison. If I told that to them now, they would tell me that I am being silly, but this is how I really feel, and it's not silly; it's serious and very real.
Perfection: I can't accept my own imperfections.
Emotions: I can't control them or even manage them or even find an appropriate outlet for them. I don't even know where to begin doing any of that, but I'm reading up on how I can deal with my emotions and my depression.
I attacked a person who I still love deeply, because I'm emotionally out of control. I betrayed that person's trust, and I may not regain that, because it may hang between us. I want to make amends, and the only way I realize that I can start to do that is by changing, by overcoming my affliction, by regaining all the things that made me the person I wanted to be.
The Sumerians had a goddess named Inanna. She visited her sister, Erishkugal, who ruled the Underworld, but the price of her admittance was that she had to strip herself of all her trappings, all the things that gave her power, at each gate she passed through. Eventually, she was completely naked, judged, and turned into a corpse.
The rest of the myth is irrelevant right now, but that's how I feel. I was powerful, but my darker side, my depression, stripped me of all the things that made me powerful, as I continued down my path. Where I am now - underemployed, drifting aimlessly from day to day, feeling too inadequate to compete in the world - is my personal Underworld. While Inanna had faithful servants to bring her back to life, I don't have that; instead, I have myself - stripped over everything - I need to learn how to bring myself back, how to regain my power.
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Date: 2010-11-12 03:06 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-11-12 06:04 am (UTC)From: