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I did not salvage the remains of the day by going out or doing something big and life-changing. I stayed indoors again, and finished the art meme, which is not appropriate to post in a public entry, because of one small occurrence of wang. And then I played more Mass Effect, while meditating on a couple things.
I talked to Tuesday today - the first time in a long while, it feels - and I actually opened up about a lot of my problems and what had happened. I didn't feel pathetic, which I take as a good sign; my default mode after I talk about my problems is normally "pathetic." Instead, I felt relieved. It was the first time I actually had spoken aloud any of what I have written. By speaking, I felt I had given myself a voice, which has been absent in my life for so long.
I thought about relationships: I put people on high pedestals. I cheerfully ignore their imperfections - their egotism, their selfishness, their foibles, the things that make them absolutely human. I make them into something higher than human. When the relationship ends, I see the things that I ignored and feel disgusted or betrayed, like they never showed me that side, when really, they were showing it the whole time. I need to stop blinding myself to these things, instead of getting caught up in a dream. I think if I spent more time seeing instead of dreaming, then half my relationships would have worked out. Or I would have been able to accept their ends with more closure and peace.
Ugh. I have a crunchy cynical outside and a gooey romantic inside. I need to be more realistic. Nothing lasts forever, no matter what romantic notions of eternity or the future your partner is spouting. Getting caught up in those notions only hurt me - twice even! Sometimes, I think I unintentionally set myself up for heartbreak. Maybe I want to believe in "forever." Belief and knowledge are two separate things, though. It's alright to believe, but don't let it cloud what you know.
I talked to Tuesday today - the first time in a long while, it feels - and I actually opened up about a lot of my problems and what had happened. I didn't feel pathetic, which I take as a good sign; my default mode after I talk about my problems is normally "pathetic." Instead, I felt relieved. It was the first time I actually had spoken aloud any of what I have written. By speaking, I felt I had given myself a voice, which has been absent in my life for so long.
I thought about relationships: I put people on high pedestals. I cheerfully ignore their imperfections - their egotism, their selfishness, their foibles, the things that make them absolutely human. I make them into something higher than human. When the relationship ends, I see the things that I ignored and feel disgusted or betrayed, like they never showed me that side, when really, they were showing it the whole time. I need to stop blinding myself to these things, instead of getting caught up in a dream. I think if I spent more time seeing instead of dreaming, then half my relationships would have worked out. Or I would have been able to accept their ends with more closure and peace.
Ugh. I have a crunchy cynical outside and a gooey romantic inside. I need to be more realistic. Nothing lasts forever, no matter what romantic notions of eternity or the future your partner is spouting. Getting caught up in those notions only hurt me - twice even! Sometimes, I think I unintentionally set myself up for heartbreak. Maybe I want to believe in "forever." Belief and knowledge are two separate things, though. It's alright to believe, but don't let it cloud what you know.
