Nov. 19th, 2010

lizfu: (Approval)
It's been a week, and I feel like I've come so far, but there's much further to go. Sometimes, I think about breaking my silence on Facebook and AIM to tell people that I'm doing fine, feeling much better. I'm not going to allow myself that yet, though.

I wonder if people miss me. I really doubt it, but sometimes, it's nice to think that the people you want to care and notice, actually do.

Anyhow!

I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One tonight with Tuesday. Much fun was had, and the movie was more enjoyable than the book. AND IT HAD A NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS SONG. FUCK YEAAAAAAH!!! (I used to listen to Nick Cave and his delightful band when I was a teenager; I need to listen to him again, because his music is fantastic)

But sadness: the awesome spoilery spoils of the spoils of war ) was not designed by Dave McKean, though it had a style very similar to his. It was still awesome regardless.

ETA: Did I forget to mention that Tuesday and I came up with the most amazing idea? Basically, if you put "Jane Austen" in front of any title, it gives it a more refined air. No matter what the genre of the original title, you sudden think of girls in Josephine dresses, sipping tea and getting into trouble with marriage prospects (or lack thereof).

The best idea (IMO) of the night: Jane Austen's Harry Potter.

Followed by: Jane Austen's Cthulhu.

These must be drawn.
lizfu: (Bobby don't take no shit)
This is a really stupid post, but I have to make it anyway; it's important.

I had a dream, in which an outcome occurred that I didn't want. Upon waking up, I was bummed out, but then, I realized what I have to do, what I have to become, and what I want to be. I realized that I have to be a little more selfish with the things I want; normally, I just stand aside and let other people take these things, because I labor under this delusion that if people want the things that I want, I should just step aside, because I'm not as deserving as they are. It's cowardice and deprivation masquerading as altruism; I've convince myself that not fighting for something (or someone) and giving it (them) up so easily are the right things. If I'm selfish about something, then I'll fight for it; if I'm willing to fight for it, then I'm passionate. This is part of what I want to be: passionate enough to hold my ground and hold onto what I really want.
lizfu: (Knit)
I feel like I've stayed in this meditative Purgatory long enough. I've had so many breakthroughs and insights, but I'm ready to get back to the world of the living and implement them. My biggest obstacle, though, is taking that first step: I have to call Beate. This, frankly, frightens the piss out of me. What do I tell her? Should I apologize again? Should I try to start over as friends?

Or maybe I shouldn't do anything. Maybe I should stay where I am and see if there's more to discover.

There's this Buddhist koan: "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him." It means (to me at least) that if you think you've reached your concept of enlightenment, destroy that concept and keep meditating, keep trying to obtain true enlightenment. Your concept of enlightenment is only an illusion.

Perhaps I've met the Buddha on the road, perhaps I should kill him and keep meditating, keep perfecting.

At the same time, it seems superfluous to perfect myself, when perfectionism is one of my problems. One of the things I need to learn, need to put into practice is accepting mine and others' imperfections.

Alright: new plan. I ease into things. I get back on Facebook and AIM, and I see what happens. This is probation for me. If I can't handle it, I go back on hiatus. I call Beate when I'm ready to call her, when I know what to say.

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lizfu: (Default)
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