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Those are the words that I wrote on my goal board - a small dry erase board that I found in a box full of old crap from college. Last week, I brought it out and wrote down two goals that I wanted to try to fulfill within the space of a week: 1) write one monologue, and 2) write one short scene.
I only accomplished the monologue, which is crap, but it was something that helped lift my spirits a bit last week.
This week, the goals are:
1) Write two chapters of a story. (No revisions - yet)
2) Exercise three days, one hour per.
3) Draw & color one illustration
4) Try to eat at least two full meals (breakfast is a must!)
At the bottom I wrote the words that I've chosen to open this entry with, because this week, I'm going to focus on my creativity and strength, which in some cases coincide.
I enjoy being a mad artist. My best friend, Tuesday, can easily attest to the manic glee I operate under when I'm drawing. My roommates and other con attendees at Vividcon may remember the crack I churned out so quickly, like I was on a roll and nothing could stop me. When I was in college, I wrote a lot out of necessity (being a Creative Writing major and all), and there were a few stories where I wrote them with the same self-possession as when I draw something absolutely fabulous (sans the complete manic glee). Art and writing gave me focus, even when I was only doing either as an idle experiment never meant to be posted or read anywhere. It was so easy to lose myself in creative endeavors.
I haven't done much lately of either. I get so caught up in details and how to proceed, so anchored in my head, that the story or the illustration never gets created. When I do this, I think I'm doubting myself. I hold my art back because it's not perfect when I put it down on the page. I should just draw or just write and worry about the finer things later.
Today, I pleased myself by writing three pages, front and back, long-hand. The story flows. It goes somewhere, and while I don't have all the details worked out, I'm not bothered. Where will my writing take me? For the first time since I graduated, I'm excited to find out.
...
Along with my creativity, my appetite seems to be returning, though at a slower pace. There are certain foods that still repulse me, but I have managed to eat more than a few bites of something, and it had nutritional value.
I dropped eight pounds since last Tuesday - the first and only time I exercised this month. If I had done it in the gym, I would be thrilled, but I've done it by barely eating anything, which only worries me. In order to eat, though, I have to have the desire to eat. I can force myself to eat something for the sake of sustenance, but that's completely different from wanting to eat. I need to get to the point again where I can enjoy food, where eating doesn't feel like a joyless chore.
